I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.