I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.