I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
congratulations to them
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel