I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*serious situation*
My brain:
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
couldn’t resist
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.