I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
❤️❤️❤️
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW