I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
barbara was highly relatable
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
🤣😂
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.