I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.