@prufrockluvsong

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

You Might Also Like

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@NickSwardson

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

@ToriTheMom

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

@DairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@Reverend_Scott

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*