Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*