I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.


I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.


Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids


No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.


I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.


“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods


I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.


[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box


ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*