I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.