I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.