I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

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Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party


My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?


Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined


[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]


I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.


Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….