I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
What my back needs
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”