I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
You Might Also Like
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
finally found a reasonable question
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down