“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.