I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW