I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
scrabbled eggs
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?