I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)