I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.