I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.