I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in