I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.