i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The struggle is real
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me trying to look natural in photos