I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.