I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
never forget
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.