I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.