I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Worst perfume name ever.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Print is alive and well!!!