I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
