I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
This is hilarious….
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”