I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
#Caturday
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Lucky old June.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
