I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.