I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
