i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
