i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.