I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Okay me first
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!