I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.