I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy鈥檚 parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I鈥檓 late. what did I miss?
What if the weather talks about us?
It鈥檚 Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I鈥檒l remind them how good they are at finding things.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
DATE: {seductively} What鈥檚 your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I鈥檓 on a date, mom she鈥檚 the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don鈥檛 look a day over 41. I鈥檓 40.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 馃尩
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.