i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
seems fine
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough