I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)