I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years