I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.