I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair