I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
You Might Also Like
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Where is your GOD now????
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“A little help here, Danny?”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My sex drive has a dui
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.