I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Yeah. This was me today.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A choir of Spring onions
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175