[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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Sing it!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL