I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
channeling her this year
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?