@KyleMcDowell86 *sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
@bingowings14 I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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@KyleMcDowell86 
@Thuggedraccoon I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
@Cheeseboy22 My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
@StephenAtHome The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
@volks__ Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
@timdonakowski Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
@BobTheSuit 911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
@msdanifernandez If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
@inmynewskin I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
@squirrel74wkgn “I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*