I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough