I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.