I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
new wife guy just dropped
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Butt weight. There’s more!
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.