I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]