I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Wake me when AI does housework
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”