I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I want this so bad
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Why I divorced her.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.