I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
couldn’t resist
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”