I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
You Might Also Like
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me My dog
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE